I am the Goddess of Guitar Hero

As we all well know, there is nothing more predictable in this world than the outcome of a match between Michael Phelps and anybody else in the pool, the Redskins and just about any other team you can name, or a video game challenge between a 13 year old boy and a middle aged mother. Or so you would think.

Ringlet ended up not attending an annual karate banquet because of the weather forecast in the Outer Banks, the destination of her and her father the following day. They were leaving for vacation several days before me, affording me about 4 days of peace and quiet and complete and total possession of the remote control before I too left to join them. She ended up not attending the banquet because they decided to leave early to beat the tropical storm that was about to make an appearance in the Carolinas and there isn’t a lot in this world more frightening than driving a 40 foot long moving billboard over the Oregon Inlet bridge in high wind. So they left early, as in that very afternoon.

That left me with the predicament of entertaining her 13 year old friend who was to be attending the banquet with us. We had 4 hours to kill between the time he got to the house and the time we were to arrive at the banquet so he headed downstairs to check out the gaming options. He and the Ringlet had been playing Guitar Hero up until the time she had to leave and he had been soundly and easily thrashing her on every single song. He came trotting back upstairs to make the suggestion, very innocently, that maybe we could kill some time playing Guitar Hero.

Ben: Mrs. Ringie, do you wanna try to play Guitar Hero with me for a while?

Me: Sure. Let’s go.

Ben: Do you know HOW to play Guitar Hero, ‘cause if you don’t, I can show you.

Me: I’ve played. I think I can muddle my way through. It’s like playing piano, right?

Ben: (smiling) A little. Come on, I’ll take it easy on you at first.

Me: Dandy

And down the stairs we went.

He let me pick my guitar first. Such a gentleman. Such a nice boy. Such a sucker.

I held the guitar upsidedown for a while. He corrected me. I held it properly. He set up the game and he selected his playing level as “hard”. So I chose hard as well.

Ben: You might want to start on the easy setting at first. This can be pretty tough.

Me: Oh it’s all in good fun. I don’t care. We’re just having fun. It’s just a game. I don’t care if I lose. We're not actually playing for money or anything. Hey, do you wanna play for money?

Ben: I don't think that would be fair.

Me: Damn.

Ben: Oooooookay. You choose the song.

Me: SWEET! What are the songs……..keep going……..scroll down some more………THERE. That one. That Disturbed song, “Stricken.”

Ben: Are you sure?

Me: I LOVE that song.

Ben: OK, but it’s hard and I haven’t even made it through on hard yet.

Me: Let that sucker fly. Let’s go.

I strapped on, set my hands and he grinned the grin of the lamb being guided to the slaughter, provided, of course, that lambs can actually smile, and smacked the song and settled back to kick the old lady’s ass.

I suppose I should have given him a few details before we started. Details like Guitar Hero has become my chosen form of relaxation and meditation over the past year. That when I’m stressed or upset, I go downstairs when everything is calm and play Guitar Hero, sometimes for hours. That at this point, I’ve gotten through a few songs on the Expert setting. That "Stricken" is the song I work on the hardest, sometimes playing it dozens of times in a row. That I regularly and routinely kick Ringlet’s tail and glory in it because it is the absolute only video game I can really play well. That if I’m concentrating on something, I can go for nearly 90 seconds without blinking. That I’ve played keyboards since I was 4, type about 150 words a minute and have this really freaky ability to look at something and have the correct signals in my fingers before the conscious thinking part of my brain really ever registers it. I forgot to tell him all this.

Oooops.

My bad.

I completely kicked his cocky, 13 year old, video playing, brown belt ass. TOTALLY.

The song ended. He looked at his stats, grinned and looked over at mine and the grin sort of just melted from his face.

Ben: You’ve played this before.

Me: (imagine perfectly innocent blank expression). A few times. Yeah.

Ben: Mrs. Ringie, you LIED to me!!!!!

Me: I most certainly did not lie. YOU didn’t ask the right question. You asked if I had played. You didn't ask if I was any good. Face it. Age and treachery will overcome youth and enthusiasm every single time.

Ben: But…….but……..

Me: You lose. Pick a song. Loser buys the first soda later. I hope you brought some money.