You want my evaluation? HERE's my evaluation.

Self Evaluation for the Ages in honor of my buddy and she knows exactly who she is.


Employee Name: As if you didn’t know

Appraisal Date: Should have been a year ago you dumbass

Period Covered: When I started to: Probably when Hell freezes over

Position: Your Job

Rate Range: As much as I can squeeze out of your penny pinching ass

Current Rate: Not nearly enough

Department: Any one I want

Dear Employee:

You have asked us to finally give you the salary increase we promised you when we hired you, never realizing you'd actually expect us to follow through with that promise. We will be unable to grant your request without your input regarding your job performance. Therefore, kindly carefully read the following categories and give us the benefit of your thoughts with regard to your job performance in each category. We will then carefully examine your responses and, in all likelihood, continue to screw you royally with regard to said imaginary salary increase.


Category: Interacts with others in an effective and appropriate manner; develops relationships (inside and outside the Company) that enhance understanding, communication

Employee Comments: Employee believes in the old adage of “do unto others before they wise up and stop giving you decent openings.” Employee is adept at the use of simple, if somewhat abrupt, language that clearly demonstrates her meaning, centers the majority of her communications around well chosen four letter, one syllable words that even the morons selected to supervise her daily activities are able to understand. Employee has mastered the art of communication through easy to remember hand signals.

Category: Teamwork/Cooperation - Works well with team members to accomplish the goals of the department. Works well with management to achieve Company goals. Flexible in accepting new or additional assignments.

Employee Comments: Team members have learned to by God do as they’re told and that’s really all that matters. Management is nothing more than toady mouthpieces and are best avoided. Employee’s flexibility has absolutely nothing to do with work assignments, but is impressive nonetheless.

Category: Dependability - Follows through on job responsibilities with thoroughness and accuracy. Reliable and consistent.

Employee Comments: Employee follow through on all threats, whether or not carrying out those threats is her responsibility. Employee can be counted on to accurately state her position (see “interpersonal skills”) in a clear and concise manner and is reliable and consistent in this endeavor.

Category: Time Management - Plans and manages own work to accomplish critical tasks on time. Adapts to changing conditions and situation.

Employee Comments: Employee must manage and plan her work with precision and accuracy as it seems that there is no clear criteria as to when assignments that should be the responsibility of others will suddenly show up on her desk with little or no warning. She adapts to these ever-changing conditions well and has learned how to use lighter fluid and a Zippo proficiently so as to negate the constant calls to the fire department to extinguish flaming heaps of paperwork.

Category: Problem Solving/Decision Making - Determines and obtains the information needed to solve a problem; draws appropriate conclusions. Weighs alternatives and selects the best solution; make decisions on a timely basis.

Employee Comments: Well of freaking COURSE. What are you? Blind? Stupid? Oh yeah. That’s right. You’re management. Never mind.

Category: Supervision - Ensures that subordinate positions are filled with qualified personnel. Monitors subordinate performance and resolves problems. Works toward increasing subordinates skills and competencies.

Employee Comments: Employee has performed admirably in this category when faced with a choice of a three armed monkey and the valedictorian of the short bus brigade as office support. The monkey eats too much, but sacrifices must be made and the monkey’s skills are much improved and potty training is on course.

Category: Management - Supports and enforces Company policies and objectives; sets example through personal conduct and performance.

Employee Comments: Employee is the epitome of class, self-control and professionalism. Really. No, I’m serious. And any other employees who claim additional prowess in the field of creative swearing due to Employee’s example are fucking liars.

Category: Expense Management - Works to establish appropriate reporting and control mechanisms; operates efficiently at lowest cost; stays within established targets.

Employee Comments: Employee doesn’t spend a damned dime and probably should. Employee requests that a fully stocked bar and a Spot Bot be incorporated into the annual budget for 2008/2009. See “Supervision”.

Category: Goal Setting - Sets objectives consistent with Company and department goals and follows action plans to achieve them.

Employee Comments: Employee consistently establishes and achieves lofty goals, be they her goals or those of the company and, really, aren’t they all the same anyway? Employee follows action plans to achieve these goals and, to date, has avoided perpetrating any colossal acts of fuckery that would otherwise derail said plans or get her ass sued off.

Category: Overall Evaluation

Employee Comments: Give the bitch a big fat raise already. Christ. What is it gonna TAKE?

Career Development Plans

Comments: Do it now. Retroactive to like a year ago or something. Just get off your over-fed, over-paid corporate keister and give the woman some money.

Additional Employee Comments: If you need me to discuss this evaluation, I’ll be packing up my office.