How Many Women Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Again.

Only me.

Went to my Mom's to help her figure out the remote control for her new TV set, her first new set in like a hunnert years or something, but if your mother is like my mother, then you know that it's never just one thing. There's always another task just quietly lurking around the corner. It's never just a simple task. Oh, it SEEMS like a simple thing when they ask, but in the end, it takes an hour instead of five minutes and in my case, usually involves the risk of bodily injury.

So as I sat there fiddling with the remote control, I told myself "wait for it" and eventually it came.

"Could you change a lightbulb for me in my bedroom closet and you might want to take that stool with you and let me get the flashlight cause it's dark in there."

***sigh****

Snagged the stool and trotted up the stairs with a fresh light bulb in my paw. Felt my way into the depths of her walk-in closet, let my eyes adjust to the gloom and climbed up the stool. Reached up and after a couple of rounds of "righty tighty, lefty loosey", loosened those aggravating little screws that hold the globey thing over the light bulb and gently pulled down the globe . . . and heard an ominous rattling sound inside Mr. Globe.

Peeked inside, squinted and said "shit."

Looked up. Squinted at the now lightbulbless fixture. Peeked inside globe again. Said that word again. Looked at my mother and said, "The light bulb fell out of the socket." She said "Well, that's handy here's the new one." I said "No, you don't understand. The screwey part that you put into the actual socket in the ceiling, you know, the metal thingy (sorry to get so technical) is still IN the socket thing and the light bulb fell OUT all by itself and I can't get the screwey metal thing out of the socket thing."

My mom said the same thing I'd said.

Down to the basement we went, flashlight in hand.

Next thing you know, there I am, standing in front of the fuse box. Me. With the electrical knowledge of a two year old, standing there in the webby darkness with my spider phobia firmly in command of my brain, getting ready to start flipping switches to turn off the correct breakers so I can go mess around with a piece of metal stuck in an electrical socket.

Eff me runnin.

Handed Mom the flashlight, reached in and flipped switches until the light in the basement went out, at which point Mom said "let me check upstairs" and went trotting out, leaving me standing in a pitch black room with questionable webby things all around my head . I quite calmly screamed at her to kindly get the hell back here.

Eventually, we got the right lights turned off (i.e., every stinkin' light in the house) and I grabbed a potato because I'd heard you could use a potato to address situations such as this, but, sadly, learned that there must be broken glass for the potato to get a grip and of all times for me to have the rotten luck of not having broken glass.

Clambered back up on the stool and peered at the problem. There was absolutely no way that thing was coming out of there short of utilizing drastic measures. Asked my mother for some tweezers. She inquired, "WHAT?!" I said, "tweezers, I need some tweezers." You have thought I asked her to go stick a fork in the toaster. I told her to just get 'em and I closed my eyes, held my breath, and braced myself as I gripped the edge of the metal part that used to be part of the light bulb with the tweezers and started twisting it out.

I'll have you know, there is a fresh light bulb in that socket, I don't have flash burns anywhere, I did most assuredly NOT give myself a bad home perm, and I didn't even fall off the stool.

Yes, I turned the breakers back on but I shoulda made HER go back into that spider warren and do it herself, but I wuv my mummy no matter what messed up project she ropes me into.

Next time, I'm taking my husband with me.