Sleeping with a Greyhound 101

1. If you don't have to, don't do it in the first friggin' place.
2. Sneak quietly up stairs, avoiding creaky one.
3. Slip quietly into bed. Avoid rustling sheets at all costs. Buy flannel.
4. Turn off light and get comfy.
5. Close eyes.
6. Swallow own tongue when cold wet needlenose goes up your butt.
7. Tell hound to go lay down in his own bed.
8. Repeat.
9. Repeat louder.
10. Shift quickly to avoid greyhound claws.
11. Tell hound to get the HELL down!!!
12. Move legs left to accommodate circling greyhound.
13. Try moving them to the right.
14. Keep one leg left and one leg right.
15. Call Denise Austin to tell her about the straddle split you've mastered.
16. Big sigh and close eyes.
17. Ignore shooting pains in legs.
18. Deep breath. Wait. Bad idea.
19. Wave hands to dissipate green greyhound fart induced cloud.
20. Decide shooting pains running up legs aren't getting better.
21. Sit up, reach down, wrap arms around hound and haul 350 pounds of pretend-sleep dog up and out of the circle of agony he has created and in which he's chosen to sleep.
22. Situate greyhound next to you with his head on your arm. Wrap arms around hound.
23. Ask husband where the hell he thinks HE's going.
24. Close eyes
25. Deep cleansing brea . . . (God yer dumb)
26. Relax
27. Try to move completely numb fingers on right hand.
28. Realize that awake-hound-head weighs about 5 pounds and sleeping-hound-head weighs about 50.
29. Wipe spit off face placed there by snoring, flapping greyhound lips.
30. Look at ceiling.
31. Look at clock.
32. Look at ceiling again.
33. Deep sigh. Yer gettin' used to the funk by now.
34. Wrap arm that still works tightly around hound.
35. Give hound big fat kissero right between the eyes.
36. Remember to bring vodka to bed with you next time.