Duck Duck Goose

In my town, we have this large, man-made lake in the center of the town park which borders my neighborhood. Since time out of mind, the ducks have been a fixture at that lake (more like a big cement pond if you will), and much like other countries who worship their cows and such, it's considered a cardinal sin not to just about total your car avoiding the ducks who choose the exact moment of your approach to waddle their feathered asses across the street, usually with about a dozen little fuzzy youngins trailing along behind them. Geese are fair game, but you run down a duck at the risk of punishment by crucifixion if you so choose.

I'm pretty good about missing the ducks. Had a lot of practice. Usually get some warning of their approach too, but not this morning. The daughter and I were tooling along on our way to drop her off at school and had just rounded the far corner of the lake to head down the long stretch of street bordering the east edge of the water. She was whipping up on me in "punch buggy" as usual and I happened to glance to the left at a woman walking her dog on the sidewalk. What I didn't realize was that her dog was about to scare up a whole flock of those crap on your car creatures who, when frightened, make a bee-line for the lake and they most definitely do not look both ways before crossing. I saw one duck heading for the street and thought "I can beat him", when out of nowhere, no less than 15 of the big bastards came flapping and crapping across the street. Directly in front of my car.

Everything flew off the back seat. Our seatbelts locked up, the iPod flew off the console and anti-lock brakes took hold with that "THDTHDTHDTHDTHD" racket and we came to a screeching halt just in time for them to blow over the hood of the car and across the grill on their frantic bolt for the lake. A veritable wave of feathers was flying past my windshield. People on their morning walks had stopped to see and of course to make sure no ducks were injured because that's paramount - screw the car-make sure the ducks are OK - and one guy hollered at me "Hey lady. Hold up. You got one under your car and he's almost out!" At least four other people were bent over, supporting themselves with their hands on their knees, laughing and wiping their eyes. My daughter was busy rooting around on the floor looking for the iPod and the gum that had flown out of her yap. I was just sitting there, glaring at the GD ducks and thanking God for having the foresight not to place another person who was late for work in a car immediately behind me. Ducks. I hate ducks. I have this friend with a chipmunk problem that she’s handling with a very creative use of antifreeze. Maybe I'll ship all the damned ducks up to her pool to play with the chipmunks and then upgrade my first class ticket to hell so I can sit next to someone from PETA.