As we all well know, there is nothing more predictable in this world than the outcome of a match between Michael Phelps and anybody else in the pool, the Redskins and just about any other team you can name, or a video game challenge between a 13 year old boy and a middle aged mother. Or so you would think.
Ringlet ended up not attending an annual karate banquet because of the weather forecast in the Outer Banks, the destination of her and her father the following day. They were leaving for vacation several days before me, affording me about 4 days of peace and quiet and complete and total possession of the remote control before I too left to join them. She ended up not attending the banquet because they decided to leave early to beat the tropical storm that was about to make an appearance in the Carolinas and there isn’t a lot in this world more frightening than driving a 40 foot long moving billboard over the Oregon Inlet bridge in high wind. So they left early, as in that very afternoon.
That left me with the predicament of entertaining her 13 year old friend who was to be attending the banquet with us. We had 4 hours to kill between the time he got to the house and the time we were to arrive at the banquet so he headed downstairs to check out the gaming options. He and the Ringlet had been playing Guitar Hero up until the time she had to leave and he had been soundly and easily thrashing her on every single song. He came trotting back upstairs to make the suggestion, very innocently, that maybe we could kill some time playing Guitar Hero.
Ben: Mrs. Ringie, do you wanna try to play Guitar Hero with me for a while?
Me: Sure. Let’s go.
Ben: Do you know HOW to play Guitar Hero, ‘cause if you don’t, I can show you.
Me: I’ve played. I think I can muddle my way through. It’s like playing piano, right?
Ben: (smiling) A little. Come on, I’ll take it easy on you at first.
Me: Dandy
And down the stairs we went.
He let me pick my guitar first. Such a gentleman. Such a nice boy. Such a sucker.
I held the guitar upsidedown for a while. He corrected me. I held it properly. He set up the game and he selected his playing level as “hard”. So I chose hard as well.
Ben: You might want to start on the easy setting at first. This can be pretty tough.
Me: Oh it’s all in good fun. I don’t care. We’re just having fun. It’s just a game. I don’t care if I lose. We're not actually playing for money or anything. Hey, do you wanna play for money?
Ben: I don't think that would be fair.
Me: Damn.
Ben: Oooooookay. You choose the song.
Me: SWEET! What are the songs……..keep going……..scroll down some more………THERE. That one. That Disturbed song, “Stricken.”
Ben: Are you sure?
Me: I LOVE that song.
Ben: OK, but it’s hard and I haven’t even made it through on hard yet.
Me: Let that sucker fly. Let’s go.
I strapped on, set my hands and he grinned the grin of the lamb being guided to the slaughter, provided, of course, that lambs can actually smile, and smacked the song and settled back to kick the old lady’s ass.
I suppose I should have given him a few details before we started. Details like Guitar Hero has become my chosen form of relaxation and meditation over the past year. That when I’m stressed or upset, I go downstairs when everything is calm and play Guitar Hero, sometimes for hours. That at this point, I’ve gotten through a few songs on the Expert setting. That "Stricken" is the song I work on the hardest, sometimes playing it dozens of times in a row. That I regularly and routinely kick Ringlet’s tail and glory in it because it is the absolute only video game I can really play well. That if I’m concentrating on something, I can go for nearly 90 seconds without blinking. That I’ve played keyboards since I was 4, type about 150 words a minute and have this really freaky ability to look at something and have the correct signals in my fingers before the conscious thinking part of my brain really ever registers it. I forgot to tell him all this.
Oooops.
My bad.
I completely kicked his cocky, 13 year old, video playing, brown belt ass. TOTALLY.
The song ended. He looked at his stats, grinned and looked over at mine and the grin sort of just melted from his face.
Ben: You’ve played this before.
Me: (imagine perfectly innocent blank expression). A few times. Yeah.
Ben: Mrs. Ringie, you LIED to me!!!!!
Me: I most certainly did not lie. YOU didn’t ask the right question. You asked if I had played. You didn't ask if I was any good. Face it. Age and treachery will overcome youth and enthusiasm every single time.
Ben: But…….but……..
Me: You lose. Pick a song. Loser buys the first soda later. I hope you brought some money.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
You want my evaluation? HERE's my evaluation.
Self Evaluation for the Ages in honor of my buddy and she knows exactly who she is.
Employee Name: As if you didn’t know
Appraisal Date: Should have been a year ago you dumbass
Period Covered: When I started to: Probably when Hell freezes over
Position: Your Job
Rate Range: As much as I can squeeze out of your penny pinching ass
Current Rate: Not nearly enough
Department: Any one I want
Dear Employee:
You have asked us to finally give you the salary increase we promised you when we hired you, never realizing you'd actually expect us to follow through with that promise. We will be unable to grant your request without your input regarding your job performance. Therefore, kindly carefully read the following categories and give us the benefit of your thoughts with regard to your job performance in each category. We will then carefully examine your responses and, in all likelihood, continue to screw you royally with regard to said imaginary salary increase.
Category: Interacts with others in an effective and appropriate manner; develops relationships (inside and outside the Company) that enhance understanding, communication
Employee Comments: Employee believes in the old adage of “do unto others before they wise up and stop giving you decent openings.” Employee is adept at the use of simple, if somewhat abrupt, language that clearly demonstrates her meaning, centers the majority of her communications around well chosen four letter, one syllable words that even the morons selected to supervise her daily activities are able to understand. Employee has mastered the art of communication through easy to remember hand signals.
Category: Teamwork/Cooperation - Works well with team members to accomplish the goals of the department. Works well with management to achieve Company goals. Flexible in accepting new or additional assignments.
Employee Comments: Team members have learned to by God do as they’re told and that’s really all that matters. Management is nothing more than toady mouthpieces and are best avoided. Employee’s flexibility has absolutely nothing to do with work assignments, but is impressive nonetheless.
Category: Dependability - Follows through on job responsibilities with thoroughness and accuracy. Reliable and consistent.
Employee Comments: Employee follow through on all threats, whether or not carrying out those threats is her responsibility. Employee can be counted on to accurately state her position (see “interpersonal skills”) in a clear and concise manner and is reliable and consistent in this endeavor.
Category: Time Management - Plans and manages own work to accomplish critical tasks on time. Adapts to changing conditions and situation.
Employee Comments: Employee must manage and plan her work with precision and accuracy as it seems that there is no clear criteria as to when assignments that should be the responsibility of others will suddenly show up on her desk with little or no warning. She adapts to these ever-changing conditions well and has learned how to use lighter fluid and a Zippo proficiently so as to negate the constant calls to the fire department to extinguish flaming heaps of paperwork.
Category: Problem Solving/Decision Making - Determines and obtains the information needed to solve a problem; draws appropriate conclusions. Weighs alternatives and selects the best solution; make decisions on a timely basis.
Employee Comments: Well of freaking COURSE. What are you? Blind? Stupid? Oh yeah. That’s right. You’re management. Never mind.
Category: Supervision - Ensures that subordinate positions are filled with qualified personnel. Monitors subordinate performance and resolves problems. Works toward increasing subordinates skills and competencies.
Employee Comments: Employee has performed admirably in this category when faced with a choice of a three armed monkey and the valedictorian of the short bus brigade as office support. The monkey eats too much, but sacrifices must be made and the monkey’s skills are much improved and potty training is on course.
Category: Management - Supports and enforces Company policies and objectives; sets example through personal conduct and performance.
Employee Comments: Employee is the epitome of class, self-control and professionalism. Really. No, I’m serious. And any other employees who claim additional prowess in the field of creative swearing due to Employee’s example are fucking liars.
Category: Expense Management - Works to establish appropriate reporting and control mechanisms; operates efficiently at lowest cost; stays within established targets.
Employee Comments: Employee doesn’t spend a damned dime and probably should. Employee requests that a fully stocked bar and a Spot Bot be incorporated into the annual budget for 2008/2009. See “Supervision”.
Category: Goal Setting - Sets objectives consistent with Company and department goals and follows action plans to achieve them.
Employee Comments: Employee consistently establishes and achieves lofty goals, be they her goals or those of the company and, really, aren’t they all the same anyway? Employee follows action plans to achieve these goals and, to date, has avoided perpetrating any colossal acts of fuckery that would otherwise derail said plans or get her ass sued off.
Category: Overall Evaluation
Employee Comments: Give the bitch a big fat raise already. Christ. What is it gonna TAKE?
Career Development Plans
Comments: Do it now. Retroactive to like a year ago or something. Just get off your over-fed, over-paid corporate keister and give the woman some money.
Additional Employee Comments: If you need me to discuss this evaluation, I’ll be packing up my office.
Employee Name: As if you didn’t know
Appraisal Date: Should have been a year ago you dumbass
Period Covered: When I started to: Probably when Hell freezes over
Position: Your Job
Rate Range: As much as I can squeeze out of your penny pinching ass
Current Rate: Not nearly enough
Department: Any one I want
Dear Employee:
You have asked us to finally give you the salary increase we promised you when we hired you, never realizing you'd actually expect us to follow through with that promise. We will be unable to grant your request without your input regarding your job performance. Therefore, kindly carefully read the following categories and give us the benefit of your thoughts with regard to your job performance in each category. We will then carefully examine your responses and, in all likelihood, continue to screw you royally with regard to said imaginary salary increase.
Category: Interacts with others in an effective and appropriate manner; develops relationships (inside and outside the Company) that enhance understanding, communication
Employee Comments: Employee believes in the old adage of “do unto others before they wise up and stop giving you decent openings.” Employee is adept at the use of simple, if somewhat abrupt, language that clearly demonstrates her meaning, centers the majority of her communications around well chosen four letter, one syllable words that even the morons selected to supervise her daily activities are able to understand. Employee has mastered the art of communication through easy to remember hand signals.
Category: Teamwork/Cooperation - Works well with team members to accomplish the goals of the department. Works well with management to achieve Company goals. Flexible in accepting new or additional assignments.
Employee Comments: Team members have learned to by God do as they’re told and that’s really all that matters. Management is nothing more than toady mouthpieces and are best avoided. Employee’s flexibility has absolutely nothing to do with work assignments, but is impressive nonetheless.
Category: Dependability - Follows through on job responsibilities with thoroughness and accuracy. Reliable and consistent.
Employee Comments: Employee follow through on all threats, whether or not carrying out those threats is her responsibility. Employee can be counted on to accurately state her position (see “interpersonal skills”) in a clear and concise manner and is reliable and consistent in this endeavor.
Category: Time Management - Plans and manages own work to accomplish critical tasks on time. Adapts to changing conditions and situation.
Employee Comments: Employee must manage and plan her work with precision and accuracy as it seems that there is no clear criteria as to when assignments that should be the responsibility of others will suddenly show up on her desk with little or no warning. She adapts to these ever-changing conditions well and has learned how to use lighter fluid and a Zippo proficiently so as to negate the constant calls to the fire department to extinguish flaming heaps of paperwork.
Category: Problem Solving/Decision Making - Determines and obtains the information needed to solve a problem; draws appropriate conclusions. Weighs alternatives and selects the best solution; make decisions on a timely basis.
Employee Comments: Well of freaking COURSE. What are you? Blind? Stupid? Oh yeah. That’s right. You’re management. Never mind.
Category: Supervision - Ensures that subordinate positions are filled with qualified personnel. Monitors subordinate performance and resolves problems. Works toward increasing subordinates skills and competencies.
Employee Comments: Employee has performed admirably in this category when faced with a choice of a three armed monkey and the valedictorian of the short bus brigade as office support. The monkey eats too much, but sacrifices must be made and the monkey’s skills are much improved and potty training is on course.
Category: Management - Supports and enforces Company policies and objectives; sets example through personal conduct and performance.
Employee Comments: Employee is the epitome of class, self-control and professionalism. Really. No, I’m serious. And any other employees who claim additional prowess in the field of creative swearing due to Employee’s example are fucking liars.
Category: Expense Management - Works to establish appropriate reporting and control mechanisms; operates efficiently at lowest cost; stays within established targets.
Employee Comments: Employee doesn’t spend a damned dime and probably should. Employee requests that a fully stocked bar and a Spot Bot be incorporated into the annual budget for 2008/2009. See “Supervision”.
Category: Goal Setting - Sets objectives consistent with Company and department goals and follows action plans to achieve them.
Employee Comments: Employee consistently establishes and achieves lofty goals, be they her goals or those of the company and, really, aren’t they all the same anyway? Employee follows action plans to achieve these goals and, to date, has avoided perpetrating any colossal acts of fuckery that would otherwise derail said plans or get her ass sued off.
Category: Overall Evaluation
Employee Comments: Give the bitch a big fat raise already. Christ. What is it gonna TAKE?
Career Development Plans
Comments: Do it now. Retroactive to like a year ago or something. Just get off your over-fed, over-paid corporate keister and give the woman some money.
Additional Employee Comments: If you need me to discuss this evaluation, I’ll be packing up my office.
Friday, August 08, 2008
Friday Morning Life Lessons
1. When they told you in school that certain metals are excellent conductors of heat, I hope they remembered to tell you that silver should be at the top of the list. Therefore, when blow drying your now neck skimming hair, take OFF your sterling silver necklace unless you want a chain link burn mark.
2. Beware of women in mini-vans, talking on their cell phones while driving too quickly through the drop off zone of summer camp because they WILL then slam on the brakes and pull a u-turn in front of you AND the oncoming car in the middle of the next intersection.
3. Crossing your eyes repeatedly might not cause them to some day “stick that way”, but picking at scabs will create a freakin’ scar.
4. Write down the brand name of the shoes you love beyond reason BEFORE you’ve worn them out and can no longer read the stupid name that is only written where you’ve completely rubbed it off with your heel over the past two years.
5. If falling asleep with your really wide cuffed watch caused a rash once, it will cause a rash the second time you do it as well.
6. Blasting Seether out the windows of a Cadillac will scare old people on the sidewalk who were probably expecting to hear Perry Como.
7. Don’t underestimate how much shredded paper it takes to fill up file cabinet and desk drawers.
8. Check the status of the toilet paper supply in a bathroom stall before you sit down.
9. Fathers who answer their daughter’s question “Can we go to HobbyTown USA” with “No, we’re not going to HobbyTown USA because you don’t need anything and we just got back from vacation.” while in your presence, seldom give the same answer to that same question when you’re not there.
It’s been a long morning.
2. Beware of women in mini-vans, talking on their cell phones while driving too quickly through the drop off zone of summer camp because they WILL then slam on the brakes and pull a u-turn in front of you AND the oncoming car in the middle of the next intersection.
3. Crossing your eyes repeatedly might not cause them to some day “stick that way”, but picking at scabs will create a freakin’ scar.
4. Write down the brand name of the shoes you love beyond reason BEFORE you’ve worn them out and can no longer read the stupid name that is only written where you’ve completely rubbed it off with your heel over the past two years.
5. If falling asleep with your really wide cuffed watch caused a rash once, it will cause a rash the second time you do it as well.
6. Blasting Seether out the windows of a Cadillac will scare old people on the sidewalk who were probably expecting to hear Perry Como.
7. Don’t underestimate how much shredded paper it takes to fill up file cabinet and desk drawers.
8. Check the status of the toilet paper supply in a bathroom stall before you sit down.
9. Fathers who answer their daughter’s question “Can we go to HobbyTown USA” with “No, we’re not going to HobbyTown USA because you don’t need anything and we just got back from vacation.” while in your presence, seldom give the same answer to that same question when you’re not there.
It’s been a long morning.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
SPIDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG SPIDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I got to the beach, my friend, who was already there because the wench is retired and I hate her for that, was practically performing the pee pee dance in her desire to tell me what had happened to her the day before. She knows completely about my …… “issues” with spiders and to be perfectly honest, she isn’t far from my level of phobia herself.
I’ll refer to her as J as opposed to “that ridiculously short woman friend of mine.” Because she IS short – we’re talking barely over 5 feet tall short. As I tell this story, remember also that this woman, whose legs are all of maybe 2 feet long, drives a Jeep Liberty. She has to get a running start to jump into the thing.
She was preparing to leave the campground and do a little shopping since she also has skin the color of a marshmallow and avoids the sun like a white hot plague, and had just opened the door to the Jeep and hopped in, started it up and got ready to back out. She said she couldn’t explain it but somehow she just knew something had jumped on her. She couldn’t feel it. She heard it. Always a bad sign.
She froze, looked down and perched on the crotch of her pants was one of those big, hairy, boxy, horrifying wolf spider things. She said it was absolutely enormous. She stopped breathing, thanked God for leather seats, slowly reached over to open the car door, slowly slid from the driver’s seat and then launched herself out of the car while whacking at her crotch to get the evil beast off. She stood there with her head down, trying not to pass out when she noticed something.
The car was moving. With no one in it.
In her panic, she forgot she’d already put the car in reverse. She reached for the door (like THAT was gonna stop it) and hopped on one foot, trying to get her other foot on the brake. She did, but because she's so damned short and car was moving, she couldn’t get any pressure on the brake. About 6 inches before the Jeep rolled into the front of their motor home, she managed to wrench herself into the car and slam both feet down on the brake and throw it into park.
She swears to God that she’d have managed to stop the car sooner if not for the fact that, even in the face of ramming their new Jeep into the front of their rather amazing motor home, she was still looking around for that damned spider.
I fully appreciate the conflicting priorities. And you will fully appreciate the fact that I didn't go anywhere with her in that spider warren for the entire time I was with them. I would have preferred to be strapped to the luggage rack than suddenly find myself forced to decide between riding with a spider on my shoulder and throwing myself from a moving vehicle.
I'm figuring I'd bounce.
I’ll refer to her as J as opposed to “that ridiculously short woman friend of mine.” Because she IS short – we’re talking barely over 5 feet tall short. As I tell this story, remember also that this woman, whose legs are all of maybe 2 feet long, drives a Jeep Liberty. She has to get a running start to jump into the thing.
She was preparing to leave the campground and do a little shopping since she also has skin the color of a marshmallow and avoids the sun like a white hot plague, and had just opened the door to the Jeep and hopped in, started it up and got ready to back out. She said she couldn’t explain it but somehow she just knew something had jumped on her. She couldn’t feel it. She heard it. Always a bad sign.
She froze, looked down and perched on the crotch of her pants was one of those big, hairy, boxy, horrifying wolf spider things. She said it was absolutely enormous. She stopped breathing, thanked God for leather seats, slowly reached over to open the car door, slowly slid from the driver’s seat and then launched herself out of the car while whacking at her crotch to get the evil beast off. She stood there with her head down, trying not to pass out when she noticed something.
The car was moving. With no one in it.
In her panic, she forgot she’d already put the car in reverse. She reached for the door (like THAT was gonna stop it) and hopped on one foot, trying to get her other foot on the brake. She did, but because she's so damned short and car was moving, she couldn’t get any pressure on the brake. About 6 inches before the Jeep rolled into the front of their motor home, she managed to wrench herself into the car and slam both feet down on the brake and throw it into park.
She swears to God that she’d have managed to stop the car sooner if not for the fact that, even in the face of ramming their new Jeep into the front of their rather amazing motor home, she was still looking around for that damned spider.
I fully appreciate the conflicting priorities. And you will fully appreciate the fact that I didn't go anywhere with her in that spider warren for the entire time I was with them. I would have preferred to be strapped to the luggage rack than suddenly find myself forced to decide between riding with a spider on my shoulder and throwing myself from a moving vehicle.
I'm figuring I'd bounce.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)