1. When they told you in school that certain metals are excellent conductors of heat, I hope they remembered to tell you that silver should be at the top of the list. Therefore, when blow drying your now neck skimming hair, take OFF your sterling silver necklace unless you want a chain link burn mark.
2. Beware of women in mini-vans, talking on their cell phones while driving too quickly through the drop off zone of summer camp because they WILL then slam on the brakes and pull a u-turn in front of you AND the oncoming car in the middle of the next intersection.
3. Crossing your eyes repeatedly might not cause them to some day “stick that way”, but picking at scabs will create a freakin’ scar.
4. Write down the brand name of the shoes you love beyond reason BEFORE you’ve worn them out and can no longer read the stupid name that is only written where you’ve completely rubbed it off with your heel over the past two years.
5. If falling asleep with your really wide cuffed watch caused a rash once, it will cause a rash the second time you do it as well.
6. Blasting Seether out the windows of a Cadillac will scare old people on the sidewalk who were probably expecting to hear Perry Como.
7. Don’t underestimate how much shredded paper it takes to fill up file cabinet and desk drawers.
8. Check the status of the toilet paper supply in a bathroom stall before you sit down.
9. Fathers who answer their daughter’s question “Can we go to HobbyTown USA” with “No, we’re not going to HobbyTown USA because you don’t need anything and we just got back from vacation.” while in your presence, seldom give the same answer to that same question when you’re not there.
It’s been a long morning.
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