Stepping Outside my Comfort Zone

I know that when I originally crafted this blog, it was ostensibly for the purpose of posting the silly and zany events of my life. While it probably will return to that in the future, I find that my life has taken a dramatic but not completely unanticipated turn. On some level, I understood that it was inevitable. But in my heart, I refused to accept that continued self-sacrifice and an iron will couldn't derail the train that has threatened to run me down for a very very long time.

The train caught me a few months back. The train ran me down. But that train didn't destroy me. It's going to take more than that because what I learned is that no matter how low you sink, no matter hard you're hit, no matter how outrageously you are betrayed, lied to and hurt, if you stop long enough to search deep within your soul, if you allow the people who love you to take your hand and help you in that search, you will find a tiny little glimmer of the light that once shone so brightly. I found that light. It was still there and it was just waiting for me to come and breathe gently breathe life back into it.

It's a slow, tedious and sometimes incredibly painful process. It requires hard work to shed the coping skills developed over the course of years that have taken up the space where your life should have been. It is hard and it hurts but the rewards are steady and never ending. Along the way, you learn:

You learn that not everyone deserves your love and devotion and that it's OK to figure that out long after everyone else has already done so.

You learn that even after you have learned the previous lesson, it's OK to have loved them and there is never any shame in having given your love, loyalty, devotion and care.

You learn that your capacity for forgiveness can sometimes be your greatest downfall - that every transgression can be forgiven, but not every transgression deserves a second or third chance. As the old song goes, "ya gotta know when to fold 'em".

You learn that the inability of another to accept you as you are is not a good enough reason to alter your very being. You learn that the inability of another to accept you as you are is good enough reason to instead surround yourself with people who can and do so freely.

It's OK to be smart.

You learn that if it looks like a lie and it smells like a lie, then it's a lie. Whether you like it or not.

You learn that life goes on. Maybe not in the fashion you anticipated and probably not along the path you had charted out ahead of time, but it goes on.

You learn that love can be blind but hindsight is 20/20.

You learn that although you were never really much of a Garth Brooks fan, you can still thank God for unanswered prayers, and that while John Lennon really did evolve from a really cute little fella to someone who looked like he had only a nodding acquaintence with a bar of soap there at the end, he had it right when he said "life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."

You learn you can survive that which you didn't think was survivable. You learn you can move forward when you didn't think you had to strength to even stand. You learn that you can do it scared. You learn that you don't leave behind the love that another squandered but instead, you take it with you for more sensible distribution in the future.

You learn. You simply keep learning. You keep loving. You never quit. Ever. Because you know that if you quit, everything you love loses and the assholes win.

Never. Ever. Quit. Just know when to stop playing the same old, endless and unwinable game.

Keep your chin up. Keep your dignity intact. Keep your friends close to your heart. Hold your family dear. Never stop trying. Never stop loving. And never ever stop reminding yourself that you are precious, valuable, worthwhile, and special - even if you've been told you're not.

Let go of regret. Wish people well. Hope for the happiness of others and mean it. Laugh often. Cry less.

Just get on about the business of living the life you were meant to have.

And eat lots of chocolate.