Reason #1 to Dropkick My Boss

OK. You people know me. Some of you know me better than my sister. Some of you know me maybe even better than that. Lots of you know me well enough to be fully aware of my greatest phobia in this life of mine. Hopefully, some of you know and care for me well enough to be willing to cough up some cash for bail money when I'm arrested and slammed into jail for drop kicking my boss all over this office for about half an hour or so.

He finally got me back for the mind-bendingly maddening repeated loop of “It’s a Small World” coming from a mysterious location in his office after he spent a week with his wife’s entire family in Disney. He got me back for re-wallpapering his entire office with post-it notes. He got me back for replacing his law school diploma with a photo of Alex Karras as Mongo in Blazing Saddles. If he knew that I planned to come in here with three rolls of plastic wrap and a hairdryer and shrink wrap his entire office when he next goes on vacation, I suppose it might have been worse. As it was, it was bad enough. In any case, this is how my morning went.

I was cranky and I was tired. It's tax season and while that is seldom a good season for much of anybody who owns their own business, this year in particular, the knowledge that April 15 was rapidly approaching has been keeping me up nights. I would have liked to have spent my evening chain smoking, eating pizza and drinking straight tequila, however, none of those activities were acceptable. On a Monday night that is. So instead, I came schlepping in here to work this morning and made a direct line to the little Keurig coffee maker my boss and I have on my desk. Anybody familiar with the mechanics of the Keurig? Let’s leave it at this. When you push the silver button that says “press to open” the front part springs up and open, revealing the place where you insert the little single serving coffee cups. It springs open pretty hard and damned fast.

This morning, as I groggily pressed the silver button, the coffee machine sprang open to reveal a huge, wriggly, hairy, moving, attacking, vicious, lethal blood dripping off it’s fangs ready to spring, got my name written all over it man eating..................…………………….black plastic Halloween spider.

Oh shut UP.

I screamed. Out loud. I actually almost threw up. I know I peed a little. I doubled over and put my hands on my knees to keep from passing out and that was my position when my evil young, no-sense-of-his-own-mortality boss came staggering out of his office, holding his stomach and howling with tears streaming down his face.

I’m shrink wrapping his office. Twice.

I’m replacing his keyboard with an old one and whiting out all the keys.

I’m going to collect packing peanuts and rig them over his door.

I’m going to open his mini blinds all the way and then steal the little controller.

I’m going to do all this and a lot more just as soon as I’m sure I’m not having a heart attack.

I might have to throw the stupid coffee machine away unless I can figure out how to smack that button and open it from 3 feet away, which may or may not be a safe distance, but in any case sure as hell beats standing right on top of the beast when he pounces.