How Not to Navigate a Crowded Parking Deck

I park on the top floor of our parking deck. It’s where most of the tenants park because the spaces are wider, there aren’t any parking restrictions and you can see your car from the windows of your office. When you're bored, you can hit the alarm button on your keyfob and totally freak out people who get a little too close. But on days like this, I have to wonder if metered parking on the street and the risk of a parking ticket isn’t almost worth it. Days when I follow someone who prompts me to write the following rules and regulations of parking deck use:

1. Do not pull in, realize you didn’t read the instructions, and then attempt to back up with four cars in line behind you.

2. Your window rolls down. Really. It does. It is not necessary to take off your seat belt, open your car, get out of your car, peer at the admission ticket, read it, then get back in your car, put your seat belt back ON and then and only then move out of the damned way.

3. The speed limit through the deck is not one mile per hour.

4. The speed limit through the deck most certainly does not include “reverse”.

5. Do not come to a dead stop to examine every single parking space you see.

6. Do not back up to get a second look at that parking space you just passed.

7. Do not turn left where the big red sign says “exit left” instead of continuing through the deck, realize your mistake and once again, throw that sucker in reverse and back up into the now 8 cars lined up behind you.

8. At the end of each row, you can only turn left. You don’t need to stop, look right where there IS no oncoming traffic because it’s a CEMENT WALL and put on your blinker.

9. When there are five spaces available, do not stop and wait for the person walking through the deck to get to their car to see if they are going to vacate a different spot.

10. Once you have done so, and the person strolling to their car DOES get into the car and leave, do NOT then decide you don’t like that spot after all.

11. Do not just once again stop and ponder.

12. Parking your car does not require that you get out and physically examine the space.

13. All those hands extending from the driver’s side windows of the cars behind you are NOT waving at you.