"Tradition" Doesn't Equate to "Right"

Just because something's tradition doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right.

Some of you know me outside just reading my nonsense on this blog and, therefore, some of you know of the struggle I endured a few months back in pulling my daughter out of the karate dojo at which she had trained for over 3 years. In a nutshell, I had to decide between leaving her in a situation where the level of what I considered emotional abuse had risen to the point where she became physically ill at the idea of going to class, for the sake of being able to say she trained with one of the most highly respected 10th degree black belts in the country, or pulling her out and finding her a new trainer before she was emotionally compromised and quit the martial arts all together.

I had to choose between loyalties. I chose my daughter. I pulled her from the class and to be fair, I didn’t handle it well. I had wanted to approach him for months about my concerns. I was pissed, but I allowed myself to be intimidated, and convinced myself that his methods hadn’t really changed and that those same methods had brought her to where she was. Eventually, I had to step back and admit that what I was seeing was different and that under no circumstances was it healthy. Then I had to wait until I was in a foul enough mood that I could go in there and do what had to be done. Yeah, he’s that intimidating.

I’ve spent the past couple of months convinced that my issue was with her instructor as an individual. While I still believe that his methods are still very much a part of my problem with that situation, a conversation I had with another friend, another high ranking black belt, gave me a new perspective.

He asked about what had happened and I told him. His reply to me set me back on my heels. His reply to me essentially stated that in the old school Japanese style of teaching, most black belts of his level and her old instructor’s level only teach other black belts. That the student essentially has absolutely no say. That anything an instructor of their rank chooses to do in order to teach his students is not only acceptable, but above reproach. That while he was happy that my daughter had found a martial arts environment and instructor that nurtured her and brought her back to being in love with the martial arts, he was all about dojo loyalty and clearly took issue with changing instructors and dojos. That the old instructor wasn’t arrogant, and my believing that he was was simply me not understanding the Japanese culture. That he was ex-military and because of that, I probably misunderstood his true intentions.

I sat there and I read those words about half a dozen times and realized that if I got much angrier, I was going to lose the ability to learn from what he was telling me. What he was telling me wasn’t personal. What he was telling me was important because it was right about then that I realized my problem wasn't merely with the methods of an individual, but extended to a culture and tradition thousands of years old. And only then did I reply to him that while I understood what he said, the day I sacrificed my loyalty to my daughter’s well-being for loyalty to some dojo and the tradition behind it was the day that social services could come to my home, at my invitation, and take her away.

I started thinking about the few other young women who had trained with him and thought carefully about whether or not I wanted my child to emulate what they had become after years of exposure to his methods of teaching. I realized I had probably dodged one bigass bullet.

After all this time and up until this morning, I was still struggling with the idea that I had taken her away from what could potentially be the best instructor she’d ever know even if he was a complete jackass because I was annoyed and over-protective. I quit struggling this morning after reading that reply because:

1. Just because something is tradition, doesn’t make it right, healthy or necessary.

2. Falling back on “tradition” to justify treating somebody else, especially a child, like dirt is chickenshit. It sullies what might otherwise be an honorable and respected tradition.

3. Choosing loyalty based on tradition as opposed to what is right and proper is equally chickenshit.

4. If a child is working hard to excel and yet has difficulty mastering a concept and feels lousy about it, then that’s OK. But if that same child consistently walks away from instruction feeling worthless and less valuable than they did when they walked in, that’s not.

5. An age-old tradition that is based upon respect should not require that in order to show respect, one loses their dignity and respect for self. Respect is a two way street.

6. Discipline and respect can be achieved without breaking down the essential part of the student being taught.

7. I did the right thing. He believed in his heart that any method he chose to utilize in interacting with his students was justified based on tradition and that it was perfectly acceptable to treat 10 year old kids as though they were bootcamp soldiers. The act of claiming immunity based on a centuries old tradition isn’t going to change because I don’t approve. The only way I could ever have changed that situation was to remove her from it.

8. I'm finally at the point where I think I can stop being pissed off about it.