Everybody Loves a Wedding

Once upon a time, one of my sicko friends who probably doesn't want to be named (Beth) with nothing better to do on the company dime than go web-surfing, found this ridiculous website dedicated to the wedding announcement and plans of some stuck-up, high-end bitch who was seen posing with the ugliest polkie-dot hat you ever clapped an eye on. The narrative was nauseating, self-absorbed and the constant name dropping was leaving a mark on my retinas. As I continued to read, it occurred to me that friends of mine were getting hitched pretty soon and DAMN they didn't have ANYthing like this to give to their friends!! How in the hell were they supposed to impress the crap out of people and shame them into buying really expensive wedding presents if they didn't have a complete dialogue of their entire courtship!!!

WE CAN'T HAVE THAT!!!!

So I done one up fer 'em. Goes sumthin like this.

Names have been changed to protect the people from whom I forgot to get permission to do this in the first place.

The Engagement of Olive and Popeye

FROM A BOTCHED GENETIC EXPERIMENT……TO A LIFETIME OF LUUUUV….

Imagine the scene…..a crowded trailer park eviction auction, the handsome, successful attorney/sometime tattoo artist/grave digger/child porn editor glances up and peers through the dust. He picks up his beer can in his burned and peeling hand (the one without the mysterious open sore). He’s just arrived home from a squirrel hunting trip in Arkansas. As he struggles to see through the constantly swirling dirt, his eyes rivet upon what a stunning blonde. He is entranced by this woman, who is not only beautiful, but carries an aura that just seems to magnetically draw flies and stray un-neutered dogs. He cannot stop staring at her. She is busy screaming at her bowling team captain on her cell phone. She is tall, and more than a little scary, with finely chiseled teeth and fuzzy hair, long hair, tumbling around her clammy shoulders. Almost as if he has called her name she looks up. Their eyes meet. They exchange a leer……….Sounds like a movie? No, not quite. This is exactly how Popeye, our hero, met his ex-carnival side-show, dental hygienist, attorney fee-ooon-say, Olive. Little did either know the true identities of their own parents, much less that this chance encounter would lead to a whirlwind romance, relocation to a double-wide, and eventually a proposal of marriage neither of them expected and over which their families were just frantic.

Olive and Popeye began a long distance love affair. With Olive living in a shack on a far away mountain, and Popeye being on work release from a federal prison, not to mention completely homeless, they used their mutual passion for road kill, skee-ball, line dancing and beer bongs to court each other in the most bizarre ways imaginable. However, it soon became obvious that nights of drunken carousing and home made gopher pot pie were just not enough, and Olive soon took the brave step of seducing Popeye's parole officer so that he could relocate to a "differ'ent mountain", start a questionable law practice representing other low life criminals, so they could spend more time together.

Popeye proposed to Olive this past Spring, and the wedding is planned for September. The wedding will take place in the poolroom of the local Elks Club at the top of yet another mountain, next door to the nearly condemned, but newly painted, row home on the south end of town not quite out of the local airport flight path, which the lovely couple will call their first home. The dress is designed by our bride-to-be and it's just dumb freakin luck that just enough feed sacks were lying around to finish this monstros . . . foamy creation. The reception will be hosted at the bar who is lucky enough to not have a dress code or picky enough to check ID. Olive and Popeye feel very fortunate that they have friends who are brave enough to attend this function without having to be paid to do so, and include some of the most influential and highly sought after models of post-office photo galleries on the guest list. We are anticipating a glittering, whiskey laden affair and HELL it wouldn't be a PARTY without a couple of secret surprises and pop police raids!

In the tradition of these two adventurers, the couple will honeymoon with a visit to the World's Biggest Ball of String, and an attempt at placing their names in the Guiness Book of World Records for most frightening breeding potential.

Popeye enjoys coon huntin’, clothing made from sheets with little pointy hoods, waving that old Rebel flag, films with questionable artistic value and is an excellent harmonica player, beer chugger, arm farter and an all around dandy catch that any little lady’d be damned proud of.

Olive has many credits to her name, few of which are acceptable in mixed company.

We know they'll be very happy together.