"Your Daughter Called"

Recently, my mother had a run-in with breast cancer. She was understandably scared and nervous and after a whole shitload of tests, she was told that she could call the doctor's office the following Monday afternoon for her results. So she did but first she managed to screw herself into a tight little ball of nerves. She asked for her test results and was casually told that they hadn't come in. Call tomorrow.

I think she would have gladly reached through the phone and strangled someone.

So the very next day, she called again. And was told they weren't there. Call back later in the afternoon. And I think she actually DID try to worm her fingers through the little holes in the phone to poke the bitch in the eye.

So she waited as long as she could stand it and called again. And was told that she couldn't HAVE the results over the phone and would have to see the doctor. On Friday. Five days away. And what else would my Mom do in such a situation other than call me. Her Viper Bitch From Hell daughter. I said four words. "Who Is Your Doctor?" I picked up the phone and roared through them like shit through a goose about stringing along a 70 something year old lady who was scared to death only to scare her even worse by then refusing to even talk to her and making her wait ANOTHER 5 days for some answers. Made it clear that the doctor would be making a phone call that day or I'd be showing up in their office the next day, primed to embarrass not only myself, but them as well.

I think I skeered someone.

The doctor called my mother that very evening from his home. Giggling madly, my mother relayed the entire conversation to me immediately thereafter.

The doctor said "your daughter called". He said that the tumor is cancerous. And "by the way, your daughter called". And they don't like to call people with this kind of news because one time he told a lady her results over the phone and she fainted flat out on the floor. But "your daughter called, so . . . We will have to go in and do a lumpectomy and you'll have to have some radiation, but no chemo. Did I mention your daughter called? And nobody's ever died of this particular type of cancer and it's an in and out procedure so we wanted to tell you that because your daughter called."

As it turns out, I fell in love with the old critter the second I met him and I made nice with the poor receptionist and everything turned out just dandy, just like he said it would.

Did I mention that I called the doctor's office?